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David Jay

David Jay is an American activist recognized for establishing the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) in 2001 as a freshman at Wesleyan University, creating a foundational online platform that has amassed over 100,000 members and served as the primary hub for individuals lacking sexual attraction to others. AVEN under Jay's initial leadership provided resources, forums, and advocacy to normalize asexuality, countering assumptions of inherent pathology or immaturity in those without sexual desire, and contributing to its inclusion in discussions of sexual orientation diversity. Following his direct involvement with AVEN, Jay shifted focus to broader relational models, including advocacy for legal recognition of multi-parent families to accommodate non-traditional caregiving arrangements independent of sexual partnerships.

Early Life and Background

Childhood and Education

David Jay was born on April 24, 1982, in , , where he grew up in a large network, as the oldest of 12 cousins on one side and the third-oldest of 24 on the other. In his early teens during the , Jay noticed a divergence from his high school peers' experiences with crushes and romantic attractions, leading him to question societal expectations around sexuality; this realization prompted approximately four years of internal adjustment to his lack of sexual interest. He came out as to his parents and friends during high school in 2000. Jay attended starting in 2001, earning a degree in both and physics, fields that cultivated his analytical perspective on personal identity and social structures.

Initial Awareness of Asexuality

In his mid-teens, around age 15 or 16 in the late , David Jay recognized that he did not experience toward others, unlike his peers who discussed such feelings during . This realization emerged as he observed the prevalence of sexual interest among teenagers in , prompting him to question whether his own absence of such attraction indicated a personal deficiency or deviation from typical human experience. He began applying the term "" to himself as early as age 13 or 14, viewing it initially as a self-descriptor amid feelings of isolation, without access to established communities or terminology. Jay's conceptualization differentiated from voluntary or reduced , emphasizing it as an innate lack of rather than a behavioral or diminished . He conducted personal empirical assessments by comparing his experiences against prevailing psychological norms, which often pathologized low sexual interest as conditions like —characterized by distress over absent desire—concluding that his state involved no such inherent suffering or dysfunction, but rather a neutral orientation. This first-principles evaluation rejected assumptions of repression, trauma, or , positioning as a valid variation in patterns unsupported by medical abnormality. Early online searches in the late and yielded sparse results, with Jay encountering isolated references in forums and articles that hinted at similar experiences but lacked cohesive definitions. These pre-existing digital traces, including comments on articles about non-sexual identities, influenced his refinement of as specifically the absence of , distinct from romantic or aesthetic interests, fostering a framework grounded in self-reported patterns rather than clinical diagnoses. By high school in , he openly identified as to family and friends, solidifying this understanding through ongoing reflection absent formal validation.

Founding and Development of AVEN

Establishment of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network

David Jay launched the (AVEN) on March 10, 2001, by creating a basic webpage on his student account, initially serving as a static resource with a definition of and an contact form for interested individuals. At age 18, Jay acted as and , structuring the site to foster connections among self-identified asexuals who lacked to others, distinct from conditions like involuntary or low . The core mission emphasized educational visibility, empirically defining as the absence of while providing resources to dispel myths, such as conflating it with chosen due to or repression. Jay's hands-on moderation and development of early FAQs drove initial engagement, prompting the addition of discussion forums on May 29, 2002, and relocation to the dedicated domain asexuality.org shortly thereafter, which facilitated community building from email exchanges to structured online interaction.

Growth and Organizational Milestones

Following its establishment in 2001, the (AVEN) under David Jay's leadership experienced steady expansion, developing into a central hub for individuals with forums that grew to host discussions among thousands of members by the mid-2000s. This period saw AVEN facilitate early academic engagement, including contributions to visibility that informed studies such as Anthony Bogaert's 2004 analysis of a national probability sample, which estimated prevalence at approximately 1% of the population based on lack of . By 2009, AVEN members, led by Jay, began targeted efforts to engage the psychological community for greater recognition of as a distinct . From 2005 to 2010, AVEN's outreach extended internationally, with its online resources serving as a foundation for global communities and attracting participants from diverse regions, while curated key educational materials such as FAQs and glossaries delineating from orientations—for instance, distinguishing aromantic (lacking attraction) from biromantic (experiencing attraction to multiple genders without ). These efforts supported researcher partnerships, including from AVEN for empirical studies on experiences, such as those examining and rates among compared to other orientations. By this decade's end, AVEN had solidified as the largest online community, enabling broader inclusion in academic literature on sexual orientations. In the , AVEN's forums surpassed 100,000 members, reflecting sustained organizational growth driven by 's foundational work in resource development and community moderation. Around 2017 onward, Jay transitioned from day-to-day operations to other pursuits in technology and policy, while maintaining his role as founder and occasional contributor, allowing volunteer moderators to handle ongoing administration. This shift preserved AVEN's focus on and visibility without disrupting its established infrastructure.

Asexuality Advocacy and Public Engagement

Media Appearances and Awareness Campaigns

Jay's early media engagements highlighted as a distinct , beginning with a 2004 interview in the where he discussed a scientific poll estimating 1% of the population as and positioned it as a valid akin to others. In the same year, he appeared in (), expressing his commitment to "celebrating " despite familial challenges in accepting his identity. These appearances, grounded in Jay's personal experiences and AVEN's nascent outreach, marked initial efforts to normalize beyond medicalized views of dysfunction. The 2011 documentary (A)sexual, directed by Angela Tucker, prominently featured Jay as a central figure, chronicling the community's emergence since his 2000 coming out and AVEN's founding. The film, which premiered at festivals and reached wider audiences via streaming, documented Jay's advocacy alongside interviews with over three million estimated globally, emphasizing lived experiences over pathology and influencing subsequent portrayals by humanizing the spectrum. Jay contributed to formalized awareness efforts, including the launch of Asexual Awareness Week in 2010, co-initiated with activist Sara Beth Brooks to engage major LGBTQ+ organizations and amplify visibility through coordinated events and resources. Evolving into Ace Week by the 2020s, the annual campaign has fostered global participation, with AVEN's involvement under Jay's early guidance correlating to increased self-identification rates among youth, as reflected in community growth metrics from AVEN's forums exceeding 100,000 registered users by 2020. In a 2015 ideacity conference talk, Jay advocated for recognizing asexuals' desires for non-sexual connection, framing within broader human relational needs and challenging assumptions of universal . Recent outreach includes a 2024 ABC7 feature profiling Jay's lifelong demystification efforts, noting AVEN's role since 2001 in creating a global hub for asexuals and influencing shifts toward inclusive depictions, such as in and academic discourse. Through these campaigns and appearances, Jay has advocated for asexuality's integration into orientation spectra, evidenced by AVEN's citations in outlets like (2012) and (2009), which credit the network with reshaping narratives from rarity to legitimacy without conflating it with or . This progression underscores empirical gains in visibility, with Jay's targeted interventions prompting more nuanced coverage over .

Involvement in Broader LGBTQ+ and Identity Discussions

In the early 2000s, David Jay sought to integrate into broader conversations on identities, advocating for its recognition alongside , , bisexual, and experiences as a form of non-normative —or lack thereof—that challenged societal expectations of sexuality. This push encountered resistance, with some in communities dismissing asexuality as invalid or insufficiently "oppressed," exemplified by assertions that it represented an impossibility rather than a distinct orientation. AVEN, under Jay's founding vision in 2001, adopted an apolitical approach focused on and community-building, eschewing explicit alignments with partisan to maintain accessibility for individuals uninterested in ideological battles. By the late 2000s and into the 2010s, Jay and AVEN engaged more directly with pride events and visibility initiatives, including AVEN's inaugural participation in the Parade in 2009, which marked a step toward collaborative recognition of shared deviations from heteronormative standards. In 2010, Jay established Asexual Visibility Day on April 6, aiming to foster solidarity by highlighting how , like other identities, confronts compulsory sexuality while underscoring empirical distinctions: the complete absence of in contrasts with orientations defined by its redirection rather than elimination. These efforts emphasized mutual marginalization under heteronormative pressures—such as enforced relational templates—without conflating the causal mechanisms of identity formation across groups. Jay's reflections on these interactions reveal tensions arising from gatekeeping, where asexuality's lack of sexual component led to exclusionary dynamics in some spaces, prioritizing identities tied to active sexual nonconformity over those defined by its nonexistence. He has critiqued such dismissals as overlooking the tangible impacts of and sexual assumption on individuals, advocating instead for inclusion based on verifiable experiences of norm violation rather than comparative hierarchies of deviance. This stance reflects a to evidence-based distinctions in attraction models, resisting ideological pressures to assimilate fully into frameworks centered on sexual behavior.

Professional Career Beyond Asexuality

Transition to Technology and Policy Work

Following the establishment of AVEN, Jay drew on his physics background to pivot toward technology and community mobilization efforts in the 2010s, applying organizational tactics honed through online activism to broader tech reform initiatives. His experience building decentralized networks informed a focus on fostering human-centered connections within tech ecosystems, emphasizing relational dynamics over purely transactional interactions. By around 2017, Jay had scaled back direct involvement in AVEN operations, redirecting energies toward scalable frameworks for human collaboration amid rising concerns over social media's societal impacts. In this phase, Jay contributed to policy-oriented work by mobilizing stakeholders in Silicon Valley-adjacent circles, leveraging AVEN-derived skills in volunteer coordination and forum moderation to bridge tech workers, executives, and regulators. He joined the Center for Humane Technology as Head of Mobilization, where he facilitated coalitions addressing platform-induced harms like and , particularly intensifying post-2020 amid public scrutiny of algorithmic amplification. This role involved relational strategies to convene diverse groups, drawing parallels to AVEN's growth from niche discussions to global engagement. Jay extended this into policy advocacy through advisory positions, including at the Integrity Institute, a nonprofit focused on election security and social media governance, where he served as interim Community Director starting in 2024 and contributed to analyses of paid social media's role in content distribution. His efforts emphasized data-driven resource mobilization for relationship-centered organizations, founding the Relationality Lab to support tech-adjacent movements in countering isolation exacerbated by digital platforms. These activities reflected a causal shift from identity-specific organizing to systemic tech interventions, rooted in empirical observations of how networked communities could mitigate policy failures in digital spaces.

Contributions to Social Media Reform

David Jay has leveraged his experience building and moderating the Asexual Visibility and Education Network's (AVEN) online forums—home to over 100,000 members since 2001—to inform broader critiques of platforms that prioritize algorithmic over genuine relational depth. AVEN's model emphasizes moderated, discussion-based interactions free from transactional incentives like likes or metrics, which Jay argues fosters sustained connections among users seeking non-romantic or non-sexual bonds, contrasting with mainstream platforms' tendency to amplify divisive or superficial content. In the early 2020s, Jay collaborated with the Center for Humane Technology on initiatives to redesign digital tools for social cohesion, drawing from empirical observations of isolation among tech workers and users in algorithm-driven environments. His 2021 essay "The Presence Economy" highlighted how social media's behavioral nudges—originally engineered for retention—exacerbate disconnection by rewarding performative interactions over causal factors like shared purpose or vulnerability, based on patterns seen in AVEN's low-conflict, high-retention community structure. Jay advocated shifting focus from identity-based silos, which fragment users, to platform mechanics that encourage cross-group , citing AVEN's success in bridging diverse relational experiences without reliance on outrage algorithms. By 2023, Jay contributed to reports on digital harms to youth, including LGBTQ+ individuals, emphasizing manipulative content delivery systems over content moderation alone; he stated that unregulated platforms fail to support healthy development by design, informed by AVEN's decade-plus of safe space moderation. In January 2025, he joined the Free Our Feeds coalition, comprising tech experts, to advocate "billionaire-proofing" feeds through open-source alternatives that prioritize user agency and relational health, reducing proprietary algorithms' role in fostering isolation. As an advisor to Design It For Us, Jay supports policies mandating platforms to integrate evidence-based designs for youth safety, such as AVEN-inspired moderation to curb exploitative dynamics. These efforts underscore Jay's push for causal interventions—re-engineering incentives for presence and mutual aid—over symptomatic fixes like labeling, evidenced by AVEN's sustained growth without ad-driven metrics.

Writings and Intellectual Contributions

Key Publications and Books

David Jay's foundational written contributions to asexuality discourse consist of essays and FAQs developed for the (AVEN) website, launched on April 22, 2001. These materials defined as a marked by the absence of to others, irrespective of , while differentiating it from voluntary or medical conditions affecting . Jay emphasized empirical self-reporting from community members to outline behavioral patterns, such as low or absent interest in partnered sexual activity, and introduced the concept of an spectrum—including gray-asexuality for infrequent attraction and for attraction emerging only after emotional bonds—to capture variability without pathologizing experiences. Through the and , these online resources evolved via iterative updates based on user feedback, amassing definitions that prioritized individual phenomenology over clinical diagnostics. Jay extended his writings to AVEN forum discussions on identity and politics, notably in 2017-2018 threads where he argued functions as a shaped by cultural norms around attraction, advocating inclusive terminology to encompass diverse relational preferences without rigid . In August 2024, Jay published his first book, Relationality: How Moving from Transactional to Transformational Relationships Can Reshape Our Lonely World, through North Atlantic Books. The 288-page work proposes shifting interpersonal dynamics from exchange-based (transactional) models—prevalent in modern —to generative (transformational) ones that foster mutual growth and collective resilience, illustrated by case studies from his AVEN organizing and subsequent efforts. Jay grounds the framework in observational data from relational failures in activist networks and tech communities, critiquing efficiency-driven interactions for exacerbating isolation while advocating scalable practices like intentional vulnerability to enhance connectivity.

Evolution of Ideas on Relationships

In the early 2000s, David Jay's writings and advocacy emphasized the viability of non-sexual romantic and platonic bonds, arguing that asexual individuals possess an equivalent drive for intimate connection as their sexual counterparts, independent of physical attraction. This focus challenged prevailing cultural narratives equating relational fulfillment solely with sexuality, positioning non-sexual relationships as equally substantive pathways to emotional depth and community. By the mid-2010s, Jay's ideas expanded beyond asexuality-specific contexts, incorporating analogies from his physics background to conceptualize relationships as dynamic systems rather than linear or isolated entities. In a 2016 piece, he drew parallels between relational patterns and interactions in molecules, suggesting that advancements in understanding connections could parallel informational revolutions like the bit's impact on . Two years later, in 2018, he referenced network mathematics—originating from studies—to depict relationships as flowing, adaptive structures akin to rivers, critiquing rigid models that overlook emergent resilience in interconnected groups. These formulations marked a causal pivot: observations from community-building revealed broader deficiencies in modern social architectures, where fragmented ties undermine collective stability. Entering the 2020s, Jay's framework universalized these insights, framing deep human connection as a foundational counter to individualism's isolating effects. Pre-2024 explorations highlighted how inadequate relational languages—contrasting biology's tools for organic structures and physics' for matter—hinder societal reform, evolving into theses on restructuring institutions around enduring bonds. In his 2024 book Relationality, this trajectory coalesced into a critique of transactional interactions as drivers of a loneliness epidemic, evidenced by U.S. data showing 12% of adults lacking close friends by 2021 (up from 3% in 1990) and associated health costs like 29% elevated heart disease risk. Jay posits transformational relationships—characterized by mutual evolution and investment—as causally restorative, fostering resilience against democracy's erosion and inequality by prioritizing relational agency over isolated autonomy.

Personal Life

Identity and Relationships

David Jay has self-identified as asexual since adolescence, describing it as a lifelong absence of sexual attraction, wherein he does not experience an innate emotional pull toward sexual activity with others. He distinguishes this from romantic attractions, reporting instances of intense emotional chemistry with individuals—particularly women—accompanied by desires for deep connection but devoid of sexual components. In early self-reports around 2004, Jay highlighted forming close non-sexual relationships and friendships that provided emotional intimacy, emphasizing a preference for bonds centered on companionship rather than physical sexuality. Jay characterizes his relational experiences as involving high-energy non-sexual physical affection, such as cuddling, to fulfill intimacy needs while maintaining the empirical separation between romantic or emotional desires and sexual urges.

Family Aspirations and Recent Developments

In the years following the establishment of his family, David Jay has emphasized the compatibility of with parenthood, pursuing biological children through in a three-parent arrangement with close friends Zeke Hausfather and Avary Kent, rather than romantic or sexual partnerships. This model, which resulted in the birth of their daughter in 2017 and Jay's subsequent legal adoption as a third parent under law, underscores his long-held aspiration for genetic offspring despite lacking , challenging assumptions that asexuality precludes reproductive intent. Jay has reflected on this path as an evolution from early advocacy focused on celebrating to embracing formation via non-sexual intimacies and shared commitments, noting in 2021 that in this structure relies on emotional bonds and equitable labor division. By 2024 and 2025, revisitations of his story, including recirculations of his household design, highlight tensions with orientation norms that sometimes conflate with disinterest in progeny, positioning Jay's choices as evidence that does not dictate familial drives. These developments affirm Jay's view that asexuality pertains specifically to attraction, not procreation or relational depth, with ongoing visibility in outlets like in August 2025 portraying his biological pursuits—initially weighed against or fostering—as viable for asexual individuals seeking lineage without intercourse.

Controversies and Criticisms

Intra-Community Debates on Terminology and Politics

In 2003, shortly after founding AVEN, David Jay posted on the organization's forum proposing the inclusion of "A" for asexual in the LGBT acronym to form "LGBTA," while making a joking reference to the f-slur in commenting on the resulting spelling. Critics within asexual and broader queer circles labeled the remark homophobic for its casual use of a slur, with some detractors in 2018 and 2020 social media discussions calling Jay a "raging homophobe" and demanding an apology that was never issued. Jay, who was 18 at the time, maintained an unapologetic stance emphasizing personal boundaries in interactions, prioritizing asexual community building over retroactive concessions. Supporters countered that the incident, viewed through modern lenses, should not eclipse his foundational role in AVEN, noting his later self-identification as biromantic and involvement in queer-platonic relationships. Debates on terminology have centered on whether asexuality constitutes a strict category or a , with advocating a fluid continuum of sexual intensity rather than fixed boundaries. He collaborated on early definitions framing as involving "no or low degree of ," but endorsed AVEN's simplified public standard—"a person who does not experience "—to facilitate self-identification without prescriptive rigidity. positioned these views against identity gatekeeping prevalent in pre-AVEN organizing, arguing that functions as a and tool for connection, not a label enforcing exclusionary politics. Community forums reflect ongoing tensions, where some push for narrower criteria to distinguish from adjacent experiences like , while 's approach favors inclusivity to avoid legitimacy-seeking debates that fragment minority identities. Intra-AVEN discussions have highlighted inclusivity challenges, particularly around sex-favorable asexuals—individuals lacking sexual attraction but deriving sensory pleasure from sex. Proponents affirm their place under AVEN's attraction-based definition, viewing sex favorability as compatible with asexuality, whereas skeptics argue it risks diluting the identity or aligning with respectability politics that marginalize sex-repulsed members. Jay's emphasis on non-prescriptive self-identification has informed these exchanges, though it has not resolved splits, as evidenced by 2017 forum threads questioning community coherence amid varying attitudes toward sex. These debates underscore Jay's pre-AVEN efforts to challenge gatekeeping in queer spaces, framing asexuality as expansive rather than defensively bounded.

Skepticism Regarding Asexuality as a Distinct Orientation

Some researchers have questioned whether asexuality constitutes a distinct sexual orientation, suggesting instead that it may overlap with conditions involving low sexual desire or dysfunction. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR), persistent lack of sexual interest was classified under Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD), potentially encompassing asexual experiences unless distress was absent. The DSM-5 revised this by excluding self-identified asexuals from diagnoses like Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder, but critics argue this carve-out relies on subjective self-identification rather than objective criteria, potentially conflating voluntary abstention with innate absence of attraction. A 2016 review in the Journal of Sexual Medicine described asexuality as heterogeneous, possibly including paraphilic disinterest, sexual dysfunction, or interpersonal aversion, rather than a unified orientation. Prevalence estimates, often cited at around 1% of the population based on Anthony Bogaert's analysis of a national probability sample (N=18,655), have faced scrutiny for relying on self-reports that may inflate figures due to broad interpretations of "lack of attraction" or temporary states mistaken for orientation. Bogaert's study found asexual respondents reported less sexual experience and partnered activity, but subsequent analyses, including a U.S. adult survey estimate of 0.35%, suggest lower rates when using stricter behavioral measures over self-labeling. Skeptics contend self-report is amplified in online communities, where transient low —potentially linked to factors like , medication, or hormonal imbalances—is retroactively framed as lifelong orientation without clinical validation. From an evolutionary standpoint, asexuality poses challenges as a stable , given the sex drive's role as a reproductive imperative that has driven . Traits reducing would typically confer zero direct , akin to non-reproductive , yet lack empirical genetic backing for in asexuality; no " have been identified, and persistence would require or cultural mechanisms unproven at scale. Critics argue that while thrives in some taxa for efficiency, asexuality defies pressures, appearing anomalous without adaptive explanations beyond speculative post-hoc rationales. Culturally, the modern framing of asexuality as an coincides with broader declines in sexual activity and birth rates in Western societies—U.S. fertility at 1.6 births per in —raising questions of whether it functions more as a amplified by communities than a biologically fixed category. Unlike historical tied to religious or ascetic motives, contemporary asexuality's rise correlates with reduced partnering (e.g., 30% of U.S. young adults sexless in recent years), potentially reflecting adaptive responses to economic pressures or ideological shifts prioritizing non-reproductive fulfillment over evolutionary norms. This view contrasts with surveys like Bogaert's but underscores causal realism: identities without reproductive downside in states may proliferate culturally, absent rigorous longitudinal data distinguishing innate traits from situational ones.

Impact and Reception

Achievements in Visibility and Community Building

David Jay established the (AVEN) on March 10, 2001, creating the largest dedicated to , which expanded from initial small-scale engagement to 119,000 registered members by October 2014 and over 143,000 by 2022. This growth positioned AVEN as a central hub for asexual individuals worldwide, fostering forums for discussion, resource sharing, and that have sustained community cohesion over two decades. Jay's media engagements significantly boosted visibility; for instance, his October 2004 appearance on Channel 4's in the UK tripled AVEN's membership within weeks, demonstrating the impact of mainstream exposure on community expansion. Subsequent features, including the 2011 documentary (A)sexual centered on Jay's , further amplified awareness by portraying asexual lives to broader audiences and sparking public discourse on non-sexual orientations. AVEN's infrastructure has directly supported , with studies throughout the 2010s and beyond frequently recruiting participants from its forums, enabling investigations into asexuality's , identities, and that might otherwise lack sufficient sample sizes. This role has elevated in academic contexts, as evidenced by scoping reviews noting AVEN-sourced data's dominance in early empirical work. Community-building efforts also include annual observances like Asexuality Visibility and Education Day on , initiated by AVEN to promote recognition and education globally.

Scientific and Cultural Critiques

Scientific research on has faced methodological challenges, including limited longitudinal data to assess long-term stability. A 2017 study using data from young adulthood to midlife found relative stability in lack of but highlighted the need for more prospective designs to track changes over time, as cross-sectional surveys dominate the field and may overestimate due to self-selection biases. Critics argue that asexuality's heterogeneity—encompassing varying degrees of romantic attraction, , and potential underlying factors like hormonal imbalances or —complicates its classification as a distinct , with some linking it to elevated issues such as and anxiety, though remains unestablished. AVEN's emphasis on self-identification has drawn scrutiny for potentially conflating innate orientation with transient low desire, raising concerns about clinical utility. While the exempts self-identified asexuals without distress from diagnoses like sexual interest/arousal disorder, researchers note that via online communities may inflate estimates (e.g., 1% from Bogaert's 2004 study) without validating against physiological or therapeutic benchmarks, potentially delaying for treatable conditions. Peer-reviewed analyses underscore sampling limitations, such as overreliance on WEIRD (Western, educated, industrialized, rich, democratic) participants, which undermines generalizability and invites skepticism from causal-realist perspectives prioritizing biological markers over subjective reports. Culturally, asexuality has gained tentative normalization in 2020s media, with sparse but increasing portrayals—such as eight explicit characters on British TV/streaming since 2014—yet faces pushback in conservative and religious circles for challenging procreative norms embedded in traditional family structures. Some Christian commentators view advocacy as endorsing non-sexual unions that defy biblical mandates for marital sexuality, perceiving it as a threat to societal reproduction rather than a neutral variation. This tension persists amid broader skepticism, though figures like David Jay counter such critiques by pursuing parenthood through innovative multi-parent households, demonstrating that identity need not preclude family formation and highlighting a disconnect between and reproductive intent. Overall, while visibility endures, empirical gaps and cultural resistance underscore ongoing debates over 's societal framing in the 2020s.

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